ONLY THE LONELY
Frances Carolyn McCanless
Isn't it interesting time rushes by for those in love, those who are participating actively in life; but for those of us who have somehow decided that maybe all those things were true that Aunt Susie said about our big nose, or Grandma Jane said about our being dumb, or Uncle Joe said about our being too skinny or too fat or too short or to tall or that no one would ever love us or that we could n e v e r attend college for we couldn't even add two plus two. All those childhood words spoken without thought have gather momentum in our brains making us feel less than, incapable, unworthy. And why? All because someone had nothing intelligent or encouraging to say so they decided they would pick on us.
And we have spent years trying to prove them wrong, trying to show them that we were better than, that we could attend an ivy league college but for some reason those words echo in our mind to the point that we think, at times, others may hear them and laugh at us like "they" did when we were children, vulnerable children. And because we believed what they told us because after all they were adults and they should know. And so we became self conscience of our "Dumbo" ears or our "Pinocchio" nose or our "Lane Bryant" body. And we have chosen a life of quiet desperation. A life filled with loneliness and a longing to belong to a group, some group, any group and yet the groups we find ourselves in - we want out; for we find that they too have a lot of problems and it seems that problems beget problems and so we stay at home and read every self help book we can get our hands on and we practice all the helpful hints about "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and yet the childhood tapes keep playing over and over in our minds like a broken record. And it's just not the words that were spoken that have paralyzed us; but it was the abuse that was inflicted on our fragile bodies. The abuse that still screams, "you're dirty - no one will ever love you!" And we agree with these voice to the point that sometimes we turn around because we thought we heard someone saying that very thing to us, only to find that no one was there; "only the echoes of our mind".
We have decided that we will overcome this somewhat gigantic obstacle that grows and grows because we chose not to talk about it. After all people don't like to discuss details of horrific proportion.
Abuse is one of those subjects no one really wants to discuss. The embarrassment, the exposure, the crime, the criminal, and the victim. So for as long as we can we hide it like an ostrich's head in the sand. But the day of reckoning comes and Pandora's box is opened and the pain, the
anger, the rage, the resentment, the hostility, the depression, the suicidal tendencies all rear their ugly heads. And we are left alone to face the demons that have grown over the years. So we search for answers, we talk to friends, we talk to pastors, we talk to psychiatrist at $85.00 an
hour but the pain doesn't go away. So we keep doing this and doing that and the pain is still there permeating our bodies, making us ugly and we read more self help books. And the Christians that mean well tell us we must forgive and we tell them to go to hell. And we medicate our pain
with alcohol, sex, and drugs. But it's still there. And someone says to do this and to do that and we ask them if they have ever been abused and they say "No" and we yell "Shut up!".
And we do not really comprehend that the forgiveness must come. Why? Because God says so. And we question God as to why He would allow such a thing and then we read in the Holy Bible where the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children and it doesn't ease our pain and we read where
we must forgive so God can forgive us and we say "NO!" because we were just a child and so we go on doing everything except that which will bring about our deliverance.
We cry and we scream and the pain is immense. But we can't fathom such a thing as forgiveness. So we go on and the pain grows and then we reach the end of our rope and we hear the voice of God asking us, "Would you rather have been the victim or the perpetrator?" And you know that you would not want to wish this excruciating pain on your worst enemy. And then God says, "Except for the grace of God there go you". And you know that we are all capable of doing evil if it were not for the grace of God and His forgiveness and we are somehow relieved that we had not inflicted the pain upon someone else that had so negligently been inflicted upon us. And by the grace of God we were able to forgive and our healing began. And it has taken years but somehow we have managed. And, yes, we've been lonely because our trust has been betrayed and we have witnessed it time and again; for we seem to attract the people who want to betray our trust and so the cycle continues until we become strong enough to put an end to the pain and silence the voices in our heads and say, "I am somebody - I am a survivor - I am a child of the Most High God and I will overcome and I will conquer and I will never give up and I will never give in!"