The Closet Door
David Vladyka
Charlie heard their voices echoing off of the tile walls, drawing closer…Charlie quickly shoved what was left of his stuff into his backpack and slammed the locker shut. Clutching his backpack close, Charlie made a desperate dash for escape from the locker room, hoping that he would make it by them unscathed, but he had no such luck. Poor Charlie's shirt was snagged by Robbie as he tried to squeeze by, and Charlie's scrawny frame was jerked backward, forcing him to face his captor.
"Where is a lil' fag like you off to in such a hurry?" said Robbie with cruel grin like that of a boy pulling off the wings of a fly. Robbie released Charlie's shirt from his grasp, knowing his prey was still caught by a blockade of teenage boys that now encircled them, cutting off Charlie's only means of escape
Charlie was a twig next to Robbie and knew from past experiences that he was no match for him either. Trying his best to put on a brave face, Charlie answered, "third period," barely covering a whimper.
Snickers could be heard in the crowd…they knew what was coming. Robbie smiled menacingly and asked, "But don't you wanna stick around and watch us undress;" he paused to take a look around the crowd as though to check that all present were enjoying this as much as he before going on, "I mean that is what gets fags like you off ain't it?"
Charlie was bracing himself for a beating, when Michael's voice chimed in from behind the blockade, "ah lay off him Robbie."
A gap opened in the blockade as the crowd of teenagers turn to see who was speaking, and Charlie grabs his chance to get out. Charlie darted between the distracted teens that if given a moment would catch him and hand him over to Robbie. Charlie made it past the blockade and threw a grateful look back to Michael as he turned the corner.
Robbie sneered at his prey's escape, giving Michael a dirty look, he moved inward to the changing area of the locker room. The show was over before it even began; the others went on about their business, knowing (and not caring) that beating up Charlie would have only made them all late for their next class, but Robbie was still looking for some kind of confrontation.
As they undressed for the showers Robbie asked Michael, "Why are you sticking up for Pansy Charlie? You sweet on him or something?" a taunting smirk took form on his face, "You a queer?"
To which Michael smiled confidently and retorted, "Your girlfriend can tell you if I am queer or not."
The other guys hooted and laughed at Michael's reply. Having no comeback, Robbie shrugged it off and gave Michael the bird, ending the confrontation. As Robbie slipped off his boxers and headed into the showers, Michael momentarily admired Robbie's well built physique and firm chest. Thinking nothing more of it, Michael followed Robbie on into the shower room.
* * *
Charlie and Michael lived across the street from one another and as far back as both could remember they had always been close friends. Through most of the two boys early childhood there was hardly a time when they were ever apart. They went to the same church with their parents each Sunday and both went to the same schools. In preschool and early grade school they were playmates, but toward the final years of elementary school it seemed that they were growing apart.
Michael was one of those naturally popular boys who also happened to be athletically capable. In contrast, Charlie was a naturally unpopular boy who was not at all athletically talented or socially adept. He also possessed a somewhat effeminate manner that caused him to stand out amongst the other children. The order of the schoolyard would simply not allow for two such boys to be together as friends. So by the time the two boys had reached junior high, they seemed to pretend as though they didn't know each other. However, Charlie and Michael had a quite different relationship after school, for it was then that they were as they always truly were…close friends.
The evening following the incident in the locker room the two teenagers were up in Charlie's room, just hanging out as they often did. Michael was absorbed in a car race game he was playing on the television via a game consol while Charlie was strangely preoccupied with a metal lockbox on his bed.
'The time has come…' thought Charlie as his finger stroked the cold metal box. 'I won't need this…' he thought as he tried to settle his nerves. Michael was near the top of the popularity ladder at their high school and Charlie was at the bottom. Charlie didn't mind too much the unspoken pretending that their friendship did not exist at school, but it seemed to Charlie that there was no one else like himself or anyone that could understand him the way Michael did. Charlie pushes the metal box underneath his pillow, 'It'll all work out… It's got to…'
"Thanks Mike, for sticking up for me this morning" said Charlie, putting off what was really on his mind. He had to work up some more courage and fight off all the what-ifs in his head.
"No big," replied Michael without even looking away from the screen.'Yes big. Now I have got to get a grip.' thought Charlie, putting off his thoughts. Again he stalled, "If you hadn't spoken up for me," fighting with words a bit a he spoke, "they would have…"
Michael turns his head slightly toward Charlie but doesn't take his eyes off the screen and says, "It was nothing."
"They would have beaten the shit out of me." Charlie manages to spurt through the nervous grinding of his teeth. Charlie's heart was racing as he was struggling with all the what-ifs in his head.
Michael thought for a moment sarcastically that he might have to tell Charlie he would beat the shit out him if he doesn't shut up. But something in Charlie's voice, that same strained something that been in Charlie's voice for weeks now, caused Michael only to turn his head slightly toward Charlie while not taking his eyes off the screen and say in more final tone, "It was really nothing."
Beating back with purpose the what-ifs dominating his thoughts Charlie asks, "Michael…?"
Michael is unresponsive to the almost rhetorical request for his attention and remains focused upon the game.
Undaunted by Michael's lack of response Charlie finds some inner strength. 'This is it…' ran through Charlie's head as he said, "Do you ever look at other guys and feel…" but Charlie somehow couldn't finish his sentence.
The unfinished question caught Michael's attention, and an explosion was heard from the television as the car in the game went off road. He turned toward his friend and asked; "Feel what?" somehow deeply dreading Charlie's answer.
"Horny…" Charlie uttered, the word shaken with uncertainty.
A deep unconscious dread that Michael had never realized was there was confirmed and generated a garbled cluster of emotions that came all at once. Hate and anger rushed to the surface, though these negative feelings were for himself, they were unloaded upon Charlie.
"NO!" Michael unintentionally shouted, but at the moment he was thinking of all the times he had caught himself feeling horny for men, he was thinking of all the dreams he had been having.
The awkward silence that followed was brief but eternal as thoughts raced through both their heads. Michael had known Charlie all of his life, and in Michaels mind he just couldn't understand how anyone he knew could be gay. 'Charlie can't be gay…,' thought a voice in Michael's head; 'but I know he is…' thought another deeper voice. Simultaneously a seemingly irrelevant thought voiced, 'I can't be gay…;' and then 'but am I?...' thought the same deeper voice. Again strange feelings Michael couldn't identify rose but were quickly suppressed by self loathing and replaced with fear and anger.
"You are not… a… fucking… queer…!" yelled Michael, the last words paced as they narrowly escaped his lips, as though vocally denying it would make it go away. Charlie looked at the expression of loathing and disgust upon Michael's face and his hopes were dashed in an instant. Charlie could do nothing but take in the sight of his best friend looking at him as though he were dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.
As Michael yells he is looking straight into Charlie's eyes and cannot bear what he sees. There in Charlie's eyes, Michael sees the crushing of Charlie's soul and sees the incredible agony and loneliness within; but it was the sight of Michael's own reflection and the expression on his face in it that made it unbearable. Michael could not even bear to look at Charlie. Not really knowing why, Michael runs from the room leaving Charlie alone in the room.
Charlie heard Michael leave the house through the backdoor before he finally broke into tears and began to cry out. "Why am I like this?" he cries to no one in particular, "why can't I be like everybody else?" There was just to much pain at once for him to bear, his cries and sobs where doing nothing to relieve the pain and yet he couldn't bring himself stop.
Charlie thought of all the taunts he had endured and that feeling of loneliness that was ever present except when Michael was there. A dark realization took hold in his mind as he thought to himself, "If Michael can't accept me, no one ever will!" The dark pain grew as the words 'no one will ever accept me' echoed in head. The loneliness will never go away…
A look of resolve appeared on his tear streaked face as he reached for the metal box beneath his pillow. The words 'GAME OVER' flashing on the television screen, Charlie opens the lid of the metal box and removes a gun…
* * *
Michael was running and he did not know why or where he was running to until about 20 yards outside the house he tripped and fell to the ground. He did not feel the need to get up, he only rolled over so that he could see the window on the second floor that was Charlie's window. His mind was running circles. 'Charlie can't be gay…Everyone knows that gays are bad, perverted people…' he thought, 'but Charlie isn't bad…, he is a good person…' It all just didn't make any sense to Michael for some reason.
On the cold wet ground on which he lay, Michael somehow felt as though he did not deserve to get up. 'Why is Charlie that way? Why do I feel this way' Michael asks himself. 'Why is anything the way it is?' Michael only knew he had hurt his best friend. 'I shouldn't of run out like that…'
The silence of the night and the turbulence of his thoughts were suddenly shattered. Michael was brought to his feet by the nearby piercing sound of a single gunshot ringing through the night…